Mission Failed
by Girl Anachronism452
Summary: Hiding, but now found, Duo must face a new life after a failed suicide attempt with Quatre and Trowa's help. Can he handle the consciquiences of his actions, or will he just blame someone else for them?


So, this is the first FanFic I have done in years. I also was never really good at it, but I sometimes enjoyed writing them. I enjoy any type of criticism, and yeah…I know it was rushed at the end. So don't tell me it was rushed in the end.

These characters are from Gundam Wing, obviously, and I do not own them, sadly. And no, I do not think that the real characters wouldn't act like this. Though, I do like the idea of Heero and Duo together. . Shhhh.

But anyway! Please read and tell me what you think!

Mission Failed.

* * *

People say that when you die your life flashes before your eyes, you see every happy and sad moment. Moments you had forgotten and memories that are still fresh in your mind.

People say that when you die, you see a bright light at the end of a tunnel. A light so bright it burns your eyes yet you cannot look away.

They also say you have to look into the light. Go towards it.

I tried too, but I blinked.

Did God reject me for this?

* * *

"He's alive but he has lost a lot of blood! Get him to an operating room and close up those cuts and transfer blood! What blood type is he?!"

"I don't know… I just found him…Is he okay? His eyes were open so I thought he was okay… "

"Sir! Isn't this one of those kids?"

"What? Move move move! Sorry Miss, but you're going to have to stay here. Some cops will be coming to ask you a few questions."

"But! I didn't do anything!"

* * *

"He survived but he is still weak. There seems to be nothing wrong with him outside of the loss of blood and his eyes, but we would like him to stay here for a few more days. He will probably be forced to go to counseling as soon as he gets out. Does he have insurance?" Was this the doctor? He had a masculine voice edged with exhaustion, very deep and kind.

"I'm not too sure… I haven't seen him for 6 years from yesterday… He, well, kind of disappeared for awhile. I would like you to send me any bills, mail them to this address and I'll take care of them. I would like to take him home with me as soon as possible too, we'll find a therapist or a psychologist or whatever he needs to see." Sweet sweet voice, I missed that voice. He was always kinda to me, but why was he here? I didn't want him here. I want Heero here.

"…So… Is this really him? One of the Gundam pilots?"

"Yes…"

"He survived a whole war, he fought for the colonies. Its been 7 years of peace, what made him try to kill himself?"

"A lot of things. Lets let him rest. I'd like to move him as soon as possible… Though, one quick question. Why did you call me?"

"Once we found out who he was, we looked at his list of people. You were on the top. A Mr. Heero Yuy was second, would you like us to call him?"

"…No. I'll handle the rest. Thank you."

* * *

"Duo… Duo? You awake Duo? You're home, its safe to wake up now." Quatre. Had I dreamed that conversation? No, I couldn't have, otherwise I would still be on Earth in that crappy apartment I rented. Where was I then? It was warm, soft… Safe.

"Duo, I know you're awake. Here, have some ice chips." The feel of the cold ice burned my lips, but it was a welcomed burn. It soothed them, as much as they soothed my dry throat and mouth. My lips parted slightly, wanting more of the ice chips. They melted the second they went on my tongue. A memory of Heero's tongue slipping across my lips, the soothing feel of his breath on my face.

I tried to open my eyes but I couldn't.

"Duo, don't try to open your eyes just yet. Can you talk? Do you remember what happened?"

I opened my mouth and tried to form words, but all I could say were dry mumblings even I couldn't understand.

"Shhh, don't worry. Give it a few more days, just don't move." He game me some more ice, the ice soothed and was welcomed, slowly I drifted back into a deep sleep.

* * *

"Duo? You awake?"

I nodded, but stopped myself as a headache assaulted me. "Quatre?" My voice sounded dead, raspy and cracked. I only whispered it and I winced at how it came out. How could I make such a simple word sound so alien?

"Duo! You spoke! No no! Don't try to move, let me help you." I felt his hands on my head and shoulders. They should have been soft hands but they had calluses on them, souvenirs from the war. Were Heero's hands this callused as well? I didn't remember. Quatre helped me to sit up against soft pillows, then they helped me drink some water and take some pills. I didn't object, I don't know why I didn't. I tried to open my eyes, but no matter what all I saw was black.

"Quatre… Lights…"

"Duo… The lights are on. Do you remember what happened?"

"Remember? Remember what?" I winced as the headache from moving earlier got worse and I felt dizzy. I moved my hand to my head but it felt so sluggish that I just stopped.

"Just lay down Duo… Don't worry, the doctors said you wouldn't wake up for three months, and this is the second time you've woken up in the first month. Obviously you'll make a full recovery! Just rest and soon you'll be up and out of bed!" Those gentle callused hands helped me back into the soft bed and it didn't take long for me to fall asleep again. The last thing I remember was asking "what happened?"

* * *

I thought I was awake. I knew I was awake. So shouldn't I have been able to see something? I moved my hand to my face and felt a cloth across my eyes. Why was that there? It felt coarse and layered. A bandage. What had happened?

"Duo? Hey… Its about time you woke up, its been two months since the last time. I'm sorry, but I kept you more heavily drugged since then, the doctors said that you shouldn't wake up until you were completely healed. They said the full recovery would be harder if there were stitches and stuff to worry about."

Stitches? Recovery? Recovery from what?

"Last time you woke up you pulled some stitches, that was when I got worried and talked to the doctors." I heard him sit down in a chair next to me, on the right. I moved my head to look over at where he was, but I couldn't see him.

"…Why do I have stitches? Why do I have a bandage around my face?" My voice was still raspy, but it didn't hurt to talk as much.

"Duo… Do you remember anything?" His voice sounded sad, worried. I wanted to tell him that I remembered, that nothing was wrong. But I couldn't. I tried to push myself up, but before I could do much Quatres hands were behind my back and helping. Once I was comfortable I heard him sit down again.

"… Remember what?"

"What was the last thing you remember?"

"I remember… Being home, turning on the shower and staring in the filthy brown mirror…" I paused. The memories flooded back. When all you can see is darkness, the memories are more vivid. When you can't open your eyes and focus on something else, its harder to get rid of them.

The razor blade. The memories of lives I had destroyed, all the deaths. The memories of being with Heero, all those nights during the war, all the nights of pure passion. The helplessness of being alone, the feeling of rejection from the only person who was there for you. The razor blade going across my eyes. The screams that I didn't realize I was making. The razor going across my wrists. My fingers fumbling with the little knife, trying to cut deeper but just dropping it. The blood making my hands slippery. I remembered falling into the puddle of my own blood as I felt for the razor I had dropped. That was when I passed out.

"I remember." There were no tears that Quatre saw. I don't even know if I cried when I remembered, for all I knew the bandages could have just soaked them up before I realized it.

"Can I ask you why you did it? Why did you leave? Why didn't you try to find help from us when you needed it?"

"… Is Heero here?"

"No… I haven't contacted him yet. He doesn't know anything… No one else does except Trowa and myself. I even kept the news from getting to the media."

I nodded and stared at my hands. Or at least, stared at where my hands were.

"My eyes? What did the doctors say?"

"They… The doctors said that there was nothing they could do with your eyes. They healed and the doctors tried, your eyes are still there, but they are scarred and you're be blind. But they are coming up with new surgeries to help! And I've been funding them, and I've read about some amazing eye transplants! I didn't want to do anything until we had spoken." He sounded cheerful. I smiled in spite of myself. I didn't want to hurt him anymore.

"Thank you Quatre. Lets wait a bit." I think he nodded, at least, I envisioned him nodding.

"So, would you like something to eat? Do you think you could make it to the table over there? The doctors said you should start moving around a bit, just a little at a time. But if you're not up to it, we could just eat in bed."

"Well, it depends on what you have for me to eat. I could do with some ice-cream and apple pie and mince pie and a large steak and some potatoes and pasta and chocolate cake…" Honestly, I didn't want to eat anything, but I had put Quatre through so much I didn't want to make him worry. I knew he didn't believe I wanted all that, but if it made him feel better.

I may run and I may hide, but I will not tell a lie. Ha, isn't that amusing. I run and I hide, for 6 years in fact, and I lie to my best friend. What a wonderful guy I am.

"Heh, Duo. How about some soup, and maybe some bread with some tea? Nothing too heavy just yet?" I smiled and nodded, I was proud of myself for not letting the smile falter. Between the two of us, I managed to walk most of the way to a small table next to my bed. When I sat down I was almost exhausted and welcomed the wooden chair. Quatre left and came back with some soup. He placed the bowl in front of me and put a spoon in my hand. Shakily I picked it up and, after a couple of tries, I got the spoon to the bowl and picked it up slowly. It got to my mouth but was empty by then. I apologized to Quatre, figuring I had made a mess but all he said was; try again.

He told me to try again and again, until I finally got it. The soup was only luke warm by then but it tasted wonderful. I hadn't realized how hungry I was until then. Quatre took the spoon from my shaking hand and then gave me part of the bread. He guided my hand to the soup and dipped the bread in, then let me lift it up to my mouth. Occasionally he wiped some of the soup from my mouth, before it dripped onto me.

The whole time Quatre spoke. He spoke about how him and Trowa were, where Trowa was and how much he missed him. Apparently Trowa had gone to visit his sister, Catherine, who had just given birth to her third kid, a little boy. And amazingly enough, Quatre and Trowa had a kid. Her name was Lillie, they had adopted her when she was born. She was 4 years old and a trouble maker with long blonde hair and green eyes. She was with Trowa at the moment, meeting her new cousin. They were thinking about adopting and fostering other children, especially from the war. But Quatre stopped once he had said this. I presumed it was because I suddenly came back into their home. How would it look, asking to foster and adopt children when you're gay and have a suicidal person living in your home. They probably had a few problems adopting a baby when they were only 18. Relena probably helped. Relena and Heero.

The silence didn't last long, the subject just moved. Wu-Fei was apparently well, he had just visited a few months ago, for Christmas, along with Heero. Even before I had disappeared we had always spent every Christmas together. We used to spend a lot of time together. Which was one of the reasons why I left. I couldn't stand to see Heero going towards someone else other than me. Everyone was happy, and I didn't want to bring them down.

Finally I was done and tired and Quatre helped me to bed.

* * *

The days after were all the same, blending together. I was stronger, and was now walking to the kitchen three times a day to eat, and then wondering around afterwards. Quatre would sit with me during meals and leave me to wonder afterwards. He was good conversation, and he never asked me about what happened again. But then, one day, one month later;

"Trowa is coming home tomorrow, with Lillie." His voice sounded happy, but worried. Not being able to see had helped me learn more about voices. Most of the time Quatre was worried, he would watch me as he spoke and tried to hide his true feelings. He was a truly happy person, and you could hear it in his voice, but he couldn't help but express his other emotions at the same time. Fear, worry, depression. He did sound happy when he spoke about Lillie and Trowa though, so I tried to keep conversation on them. It worked easily.

"You excited?"

"Yes! Well… I am kind of worried. Well, Trowa and I are a bit worried. We don't want Lillie to bother you, especially if you're not up to it. She can be a handful sometimes."

"Hey hey hey! I love kids! And I can manage by myself when you're with Trowa. Dude, the Doc taught me how to function blind folded, just incase something happened in a military prison. Plus I've been fine this last month. Plus! I know how much you want to see Trowa and Lillie. Don't let me hold you back from seeing them."

There was a silence as I took a bite of my food. It was toast, since it was breakfast.

"Thank you, Duo, Trowa has told Lillie about you, we actually named you an uncle of hers, as is Wu-Fei and Heero. She's excited to meet you. She has seen pictures of you, and you are actually the reason why she has long hair. She wanted hair that matched yours." I was glad the smile I was forcing seemed real. I was good at acting.

"Sounds like a smart kid, long hair looks good on chicks. And it would be nice to see Trowa again. Its been awhile." Sadly, Lillie wouldn't get to see my long, beautiful hair. I missed my hair. When I went into the hospital it was matted in blood and grim from the bathroom floor. They had cut it so it wouldn't be in the way during the surgery, but it had grown back, limp and lackluster.

"Six years 4 months, 15 days. I remember. Well, Trowa will be back tomorrow morning so I have to get a few things done. Some shopping, cleaning, etc. I hope you won't mind if I miss out lunch together?" Quatre sounded sad, but happy at the same time. Truly happy, and excited.

"Let me help. I think it is about time I started doing some things around here."

I heard Quatre laugh, then sigh. There was a moment of silence. I was afraid he would tell me I would be useless and just in the way, the same thing Heero had told me when I asked if I could go with him and Relena. I didn't know if I could handle that again, I was still trying to get a grip on being blind. I missed my violet eyes, I wanted to be able to see Quatre again, see Trowa, see their little girl. I hadn't wanted to live life like this. This was almost worse.

I had noticed earlier that when you are blind you don't bother to look at a person as much, yes, if they talk you look in their general direction, but you don't move your head around as much. It was nice, people always thought you were paying attention to what they were saying because you were looking at them, but meanwhile you could think about whatever you wanted to think about and just nod occasionally. This time I was listening though, listening for the rejection and the lack of confidence. I didn't know if I could keep the grin on my face for much longer. I hoped he would just get it over with so I could go to my room, or the garden, alone.

"I need a list of what foods you would like, or anything you need from the store. I think you should be able to eat anything you want again. Then, if you could, water the plants, clear this table, then when I get back, if you can help me carry stuff in. The maids will be here if you need any help, and I'll tell them to keep you posted if they need any help. Then tomorrow, Trowa and Lillie will be back in time for lunch, if you could set the table for all of us."

It sounded like a simple amount of chores, but it took me all day to do them. The maids had kept me in mind when doing laundry though, and they had me helping them fold clothes. The maids and I always got along, ever since I had come here they had been curious about me. There were four of them, all beautiful and well mannered, all female. It was easy to get a female to like you generally, just be nice, kind and slightly flirtatious. And gossip. Gossip always helped. Plus it helped me when I wanted extra food at night. And any news from outside since Quatre didn't tell me much about the outside world. When Quatre came back I helped him carry some bags in, I knew he handed me the lightest things he could find, and I heard him taking the heavier stuff out of the bags.

That night I reflected on everything so far. I was depressed, blind, and always tired. My hair was a mess, jaggedly cut because I didn't have the heart to fix it, I found I had stopped caring about it. Quatre had tried to take good care of it, but it just wasn't the same silky mass it used to be. It was full of split ends and dull. The bandages had come off, but I had felt the difference in Quatre that day. He was quiet and I could feel him staring at me the whole day. That night I asked him to buy me some black cloths or scarves to use to cover my eyes. He hadn't argued and since then I wore the cloth. I knew how to read Braille and Quatre had given me a new laptop that was voice operated so I could still do stuff on the computer, it also translated everything into Braille and was connected to a special printer that printed everything off in Braille, so I could read it. Quatre was very accommodating. The fact that I put Quatre out so much resolved my idea to leave soon.

Thankfully, he still hadn't contacted Heero. I didn't think I could handle seeing him still. I didn't think I ever wanted to see him again, well, not see him, but, well, I don't know. I didn't want to be in a life without him, and a life where I couldn't at least see him on TV, see his smile, was even worse than before.

* * *

The next morning was hectic. Quatre had hired five more maids to finish cleaning and get everything ready. I sat at the breakfast table listening to the bustle and Quatre giving orders, as much as the blonde could do, he wasn't a commanding person. Finally, he left and I cleared the breakfast table. Heather, the maid who usually took care of me when Quatre wasn't around, seemed anxious. I finally just stopped and stared in her general direction and with a sweep of my left arm indicated the table and plates on it, giving Heather the chance to finish clearing off the table faster.

"Sorry Master Duo, its just… Master Trowa and Mistress Lillie are coming home today and Master Quatre and everyone is so anxious! We just want everything to go well, we all love the Masters and Lil' Miss." I smiled a winner smile and nodded my understanding.

"I know, hon, and I don't want to be in anyone's way. You just do everything you need to and I'll come and set the table in an hour or so. Enough time to get it done and hopefully be out of the way." I moved towards where her voice was and kissed her on the cheek, then slowly made my way to my room, out of the way.

I turned on the shower and undressed. I stood in front of the mirror and slowly took off my scarf. I stared at things I couldn't see.

**The blood was everywhere, most of them were dead. Some twitched. **

_Heero's lips against mine as his hands roamed my naked body._

"**Help… Please… Help me… I have a daughter… Please?" **

_My hands gripping his hair as he whispered soft words in my ear, kissing them after each sentence._

**BANG! **

_Penetration and a beautiful moan of pleasure from my Love. _

**Another scream. **

_The feel of him inside of me, connected, together._

**More blood.**

_The last night we were together, forever, as he broke up with me and left me. _

I shook myself and got into the shower. I killed them all. Heero had killed his share too. It was a war, I was trained to kill. As was Heero. At the time, we had needed each other more. When the war was over why should he have stayed with me? I was Shinigami.

The memories were vivid and so real.

"Master Duo! Its been an hour and a half, Sir. You said you had wanted to set the table and Master Quatre will be back in an hour."

I started, shaking the memories off.

"I'll be out in a minute Heather."

She had come in to help me once, never since then. She saw all the scars my body had from the war. It scared her. I didn't blame her.

I got out the shower and dressed myself. I had left some of my old clothes in Quatre's mansion before I had left and he had kept them, hoping for my return one day. They were looser than they used to be, but I was comfortable in them. They covered my arms and the awkward looks I knew people gave me when I didn't wear them, plus I felt they gave me a better look with my black eye scarfs. I braided what I could of my hair and put the scarf back on. Heather was waiting for me.

It took me an hour to set the table and I could hear Heather fixing things behind me. It was okay.

* * *

"Duo! I'm back! Duo! Trowa and Lillie are here! Duo! There you are! Look, they're here!" The awkward silence after Quatre said 'look' lasted maybe a second before I stood up and smiled my ol' Duo smile, looking towards Quatres voice.

"Duo… Its good to see you again."

"Trowa Man! How ya been?" I stepped toward him, hoping he would return the step, accepting me again. He did, but it was hesitant. I took it and hugged him. I cried again, but no one saw, the scarf absorbed them.

"I heard that you had a kid, Lillie? But I didn't believe it, and I still don't." I heard the rustling in Quatres direction.

"You going to say hello to your Uncle Duo, hunny?" Quatre talking, another rustle.

"Yeah, just as I thought, you two lied to me. You don't have a kid. You have a rabbit, or some animal that you call your kid. It might be a goat." A soft chuckle. "I can't believe you lied to me. Oh well, I guess I get to eat this peanut butter sandwich. Its my favourite, so it's okay. And then I guess I also get this extra piece of chocolate cake." I sat down at the table infront of the peanut butter sandwich.

"No!" The voice was young and worried. I could hear her wiggle and squirm out of Quatre's arms to the floor and run the short distance towards me then hit my leg. I dropped the sandwich I had just picked up.

"Ow! I didn't think goats could hit people. Well, I guess you must be a little girl then. So why are you going around hitting people?"

"You were going to eat my sammich."

"Well, what makes you think I'm still not going to eat it. I mean, c'mon, its peanut butter. Plus, you haven't introduced yourself, you haven't said hello, you haven't done anything to earn it. Plus, I am bigger. I think I could take you on."

Silence for a little bit.

"Are you really my uncle Duo?"

"Yep."

Silence for a little bit.

"Why are you wearing a scarf around your eyes?"

"Hunny!" It was Quatre's voice, obviously he had tried to tell her to ignore it.

"No no, its okay. She asked a very good question and there is a very good answer." I looked down towards where Lillie's voice was coming from. "Well, you see, I lived in New York on Earth for a little bit. And while living there I didn't clean my apartment for months, it got really bad. Yep. Disgusting even. Left over food laying everywhere, sour milk, dirty clothes, messy bathroom."

"Ewww, gross!"

"Yeah! I know." The little girl climbed into the chair next to me and I handed her half the peanut butter sandwich which she took and I presumed she started to eat.

"Why did you let it get dirty?"

"Well, because I didn't want to clean it. It was gross! Would you want to touch moldy plates?"

"Eww, no!"

"Exactly! Well, I was asleep one night and all of a sudden I was woken up by a huuuuge monster!"

"Was he scary!? Did he try to eat you! Was he toxic? Uncle Wu-Fei says he can defeat anything, even monsters in the middle of the night! Did you beat it up?"

"He was scary and he was toxic! And I was too scared to beat him up. What if I had stood up and slipped on some of the gooey ooz dripping from him? That wouldn't have been impressive. But! He leaned over me and said in a very scary voice 'your room is a mess, your parents would be disappointed.'"

"Well he was right. I never leave my room in a mess. What did he do next?"

"Well, good. He then said 'no eyes should have to see something so disgusting.' And then he ate my eyes!"

"Ewww!"

"He put them into a soup and ate them, just like that!"

"Could he eat my eyes!? Daddy! Would you let a monster eat my eyes?!"  
"No no no, he would only eat your eyes if you leave your room a mess." I heard Quatre chuckle as Trowa and him sat down at the table and started eating. I found I liked the little girl, and during lunch she asked me questions about what it was like to be blind. I answered them truthfully, but with more stories. It was fun. After lunch she showed me her room by giving me every single toy she owned and introducing it by name. She had a lot of toys. So many toys.

I went to bed exhausted that night.

* * *

Months passed. Lillie spent a lot of time with me, which I worried about. But all in all, I was happier. Quatre and Trowa, despite being wealthy beyond all belief, lived pretty basic lives. They both worked, Lillie went to a day care so she could learn to interact with other children, and I stayed at home. During those days alone I spent them in the garden. It felt beautiful. Quiet.

I tried to leave a few times, but no matter what I tried, Quatre had ordered Heather to stay with me. Even outside. She sat with me with a pen and paper, I would listen to her pencil going over the paper. I wished I could see what she drew. Be I couldn't.

When I was outside I generally thought about the same few things. The war, death, suicide, and Heero. I had left the Gundam group years ago because of him. I had sought him out, wanted to be with him. But he had left me and told me to figure things out for myself, and he went to Relena. I never wanted to see him again. That was why I never came back. I just disappeared.

Part of me blamed him for my suicidal tendencies. I had needed someone to be my rock, someone who had seen what I had seen, someone I had cared for and would understand. I had wanted it to be Heero, but he had said no. Wu-Fei had offered to be there for me, but he had a life and I knew he just wanted to be that person to someone, anyone. He was the type of person who liked to have people lean on him. I had thought about it, had actually sought him out after a year, but I found him with someone else. That hadn't hurt me at all, I just left before he saw me. The girl he was with was beautiful. They looked good together.

I was so self-absorbed in my own misery that I didn't hear Lillie come into the garden.

"Uncle Duo! Uncle Duo! Guess what!"

I turned to look toward the energetic child, she flung herself at me and with my fast reflexes, left overs from the war, I caught her and placed her on my lap. She liked to jump at people. She was used to her fathers and uncles being able to catch her, so she even tried jumping at other people, they weren't as successful.

"The sky is falling?"

"Nope! Guess again!"

"Ummm… You found a gazillion dollars?"

"Heehee, nooooo. One more guess."

"Ummm… Trowa finally let you get a kitten?"

"Not yet! But that's not it! Uncle Heero and Uncle Wuffie are coming to visit tonight! Daddy just told me! And we're having a big dinner and Uncle Wuffie is going to teach me more fighting and Uncle Heero is going to teach me how to use a computer! He promised! I think he promised just to get me to leave his computer alone. Last time I accidentally deleted some of his stuff. He wasn't mad, though, but that girl who always follows him around was. She started yelling at me but he looked at her and she stopped. I don't like her, she is supposed to be an aunt of mine. Aunt Relena, but I don't like her so I don't call her aunt. She doesn't like me calling her aunt either, she likes me calling her Miss. I wish she stopped coming…."

Lillie continued to babble but I didn't remember anything she said. I stood up and accidentally dropped her, but I caught her before she hit the floor.

"Sorry, Sweets. I need to go and talk to your dad. Where is he?"

"He is in the study… Uncle Duo, you okay?"

"Yes yes, sweets. Why don't you let Heather show you some of her drawings? Maybe she can teach you to draw."

"Hmmm… Okay!"

Lillie went to Heather and I heard them talking as I walked toward the house. I knew where I was and I counted the steps to myself.

Heero couldn't come here. Not now. I was still here. What was Quatre thinking!? Had he told Heero? Did Heero know? Could I still leave?

I got to the study before I realized it and just walked in.

"Quatre! What the hell is going on tonight!?"

"I'm going to have to call you back. Bye."

I heard the phone screen turn off and Quatres chair spin to face me.

"Lillie told you I guess? I didn't want her to. I actually didn't want you to know until they got here. You need to see them again. Heero has been looking for you for years. He found out that you're here."

"I don't want to see him. I can't see him. Please, Quatre. Please… I don't want him to see me…"

"Duo… We all know you had feelings for him, but you hadn't mentioned him, so we kind of thought you were over him. Trowa and I thought it would be okay for him to come. He wants to see you. We thought you might talk to him, you were always closer to him."

"No. Call him. Tell him not to come."

"I was just on the phone with Trowa, they're both on their way back here. They should be here soon. Duo, I promised your doctors I would let you talk to someone. I think Heero would be good for you."

"If its because you don't want me here anymore, its okay, I can go! I can find somewhere to go. You don't need to throw me off into someone else's hands! "

"Its not that, Trowa and I love you staying here, as does Lillie, but you must have known you would have to see Heero and Wu-Fei again. It was bound to happen."

He was right. But I had hoped it wouldn't be so soon. I was still under weight and I had heard the doctors who checked up on me talk about how pale I still was. My hair had even stopped growing as fast. It was only a few inches past my shoulder blades. I didn't want Heero to see me when I was weak. I turned from Quatres office and left, going to my room.

I didn't have anything else to say.

So I would hide.

I hid back then, so why couldn't I hide again?

* * *

It was an hour before someone finally knocked on my door. It was Lillie. I got up and opened my door.

"Uncle Duo! Uncle Heero is here! And Uncle Wuffie! Uncle Wuffie was late, but he is finally here! Come! Come and see them!"

"Umm… Lillie, Sweets, let me take a shower okay?" I didn't wait for a reply and closed the door. Locking it. It took a while for her to leave. Half an hour later Quatre came back, with a key.

"Duo, dinner is ready. You have to come and eat."

I didn't reply. I hoped he would think I was asleep.

He didn't. He opened the door and looked in. I was laying on the bed facing the ceiling.

"Duo, please. Lillie really wants you there, as do Heero and Wu-Fei."

I didn't reply.

"Duo… I really don't want to do this but either you come out there or I'll send them in here."

I was quiet a second, then, I turned my head towards him. I didn't have my scarf on and I knew it unnerved him when I looked at him without it on. I never opened my eye lids but I never had to. I stood up and went towards my dresser, picked up a scarf and tied it around my eyes. I then turned and counted my way to the kitchen.

I paused just outside the door. Quatre, whom had been in front, did the same. I heard their voices. I heard Lillie talking to them and the odd bits of laughter. I hadn't expected to ever hear Wu-Fei laugh, but he did. Heero didn't though, I just heard him quietly talking to Trowa. I didn't hear what they said, but I could hear them talking together, probably about me. My throat tightened, but I forced myself to not cry, to not over react.

We walked in.

I smiled my best Duo smile.

The room became very silent.

"Sorry it took me so long, but I always did take the longest to get ready. Plus I fell asleep earlier so yeah. I have been told that dinner is ready and Little Lillie over there said we were going to feast tonight."

The silence grew and I could feel my smile falter. I made my way towards my normal seat. Being blind meant I had to stick to some routines, one of which meant I had the same seat every time we ate. I sat down and Lillie ran over to me.

"Uncle Duo! Uncle Wuffie said that by the time he was done training me I could kick anyone's ass! Could I kick your ass?"

"Heh, Wu-Man neglected to mention that he has a big ego and that I was always better than him."

"Really!? But Uncle Wuffie told me that if any monsters under my bed bothered me he could kick their asses, and when that monster ate your eyes you didn't kick his ass."

Silence.

"Hmm… Wanna know a secret?"

"Yes!"

"Then come here, Sweets."

She moved a bit closer.

"The only reason Wu-Man can beat monsters better than me is because they see his face and they get so scared that they run."

Lillie's laughter filled the room and she ran to Wu-Fei to ask him if it was true. I heard him move closer to me. I was quiet as was everyone else. I was afraid of what was going on. Suddenly a hand hit me upside the head.

"Moron. Don't go spreading lies about people to young impressionable children!"

The ice was broken and dinner started. Wu-Fei and Lillie mostly talked, occasionally including me when Lillie had to reaffirm things that Wu-Fei said. Heero never said anything.

At the end of dinner I excused myself, pleading exhaustion. It seemed to work. As I walked out I heard Quatre ask Heather to take Lillie to bed, since it was half an hour past her bed time. I heard them mention my name as I walked to my room. I locked the door and fell into the bed.

* * *

I fell asleep soon after falling into the bed. But I didn't sleep for long. I woke up to a noise coming from my door. I lay in bed and listened before I got up slowly. I walked to the side of the door and waited. Once the door was opened I heard a person quietly walk into my room. I grabbed the person but they pushed me to the floor and sat on top of me, hands pinning my shoulders down.

"Isn't it a bit early to be in this position… Heero-Love?" I hadn't meant for it to sound as sarcastic as it did.

"I will kill you if you ever disappear again. As a matter of fact I will kill you if you try any of the crap you have pulled these last few years."

I pushed him off, then stood up and felt my way to the chair next to my bed.

"What do you want?"

Quietly he got up off the floor and shut the door. He came closer and put his hands on either side of my chair, pinning me down basically. I could feel his breath in my face, it smelt good, almost as good as him.

I could feel him staring at me, gazing at my scarf. His hand moved and he undid the scarf, pulling it off.

"Where have you been?"

"New York. How is Relena? Didn't hear her at dinner."

"She's at home, doing business. What were you doing in New York?"

"Living. Why aren't you at home, with Relena?"

"We don't usually talk. I searched New York. Where were you before that?"

"Alaska. Why don't you two talk? She get too boring for you? I know how she feels. Maybe her and I could form a club."

"Why did you leave me and hide?!"

"Why did you reject me for Relena?"

"What? Miss me that much hun?" I smiled at him, it was a bitter smile but I never was good at hiding my emotions around Heero.

" Yes I missed you! I searched for you! I left Relena for you! I couldn't find you. I looked. I finally thought I found you, but when I got to your apartment all I found was a pool of blood in the bathroom and a neighbor who called 911 and said she never heard from you again since the hospital."

I couldn't say anything. There wasn't much to say. My face followed the sound of him pacing the room.

"You lied." I heard him stop pacing and look at me.

"I never lied."

"You just did. You said you left Relena but I saw you on the news all the time. 'The Great war hero, Heero Yuy and the Great Relena LoveCraft are here today' at whatever fucking place you were at. I saw you on TV I heard you on the radio. You never left her."

Silence. I was finally becoming used to the silences I caused.

"I left her, but we couldn't do it publicly. I had responsibilities and she did too. Plus I needed her funding to find you. Did you really try to cut your eyes out and kill yourself?"

"I was depressed, I couldn't stand sleeping and seeing all the people I killed. I needed someone to be there for me but they were too busy. You had Relena, Wu-Fei had his family, Quatre had Trowa and Trowa had Quatre and his family. That left me out. I couldn't handle it. I couldn't handle seeing you with Relena when I knew and you knew that I cared for you, and after all those nights together I thought you cared for me! I couldn't take it. I needed someone who understood what it was like to kill that many people, listen to them beg you for their lives, tell you all the names to all their family members. I still remember every name they spurted off! Susie's father begged, Ben's, Jack's, Dillan's, Michelle's, Joanne's, Hilde's, and thousands more. You left me when I needed you."

I heard Heero sit down, but I didn't look at him. I felt him stare.

"I realized I was wrong, I tried to find you."

"When did you realize you were wrong? When you found out that I had tried to commit suicide? Or was it when people started blaming you for the disappearance of one of the five Gundam pilots? Its too late."

"Its not too late, I can help you now. I'm ready."

"Its too late."

"Its not too late!" I heard him stand up fast, the chair flying to the floor and crashing against a wall. I was actually surprised no one had woken up and come to see what all the commotion was.

"I'm blind. The memories are more vivid. I can't stop them. I can't handle life anymore. I wasn't just looking for attention when I did this!" I pulled the sleeves of my shirt down and let Heero see the scars which I presumed were still there.

"… I'm sorry, I failed you, didn't I?"

I couldn't say anything. Before I knew it I felt his arms around me, and he was crying. "Please, Duo, forgive me."

Heero. My Heero. Mine. Forever.

"Do you love me, Heero?"

"Duo… I'm sorry. I don't know."

I pushed him away a bit, my fingers feeling his face. I needed to know he was crying. I needed to know he hurt. He was. His face was wet from tears.

Heero was crying, apologizing, sorry. My Heero never did this. My Heero was cold to everyone but me, sarcastic, distanced.

"Heero… Do you think that when we die we become who we truly are supposed to be?"

"… Yes. Why?"

"You're not my Heero anymore. My Heero would never cry, no matter what, would never apologize, never be sorry! The real Heero would be strong. I don't think I could forgive you or be with you when you're like this. I need the old Heero. The true Heero. Do you want me back?"

"Yes, I'll be the old Heero… Just for you, please?" He sounded sincere… What had happened since I had left. When I left it seemed he was still trying to find himself, I had wanted to be the one to help him find himself.

"Kill me, then kill yourself."

"What?"

"Kill me, then yourself. You said, you become your true self when you die, kill yourself and become your old self. I need you to nurture me, take care of me, take care of me in death. You were always the strong one, the one who protected people. I don't want to live like this anymore, I want to be with you, I want to be with the old Heero and see him and fuck him. I want to be able to see again. See your face… See you. You know how I feel. Please, kill me. Please, kill us."

"… Okay."

"What?" I hadn't expected him to say yes.

"Lets go."

Lets go where? Where did he want to go? I hadn't expected him to say yes, what was going on?

"I want to go to the Gundams. Quatres still has them in the underground launching area. The Gundams is where this all started."

We got up and I followed Heero out of the room. I was half dazed, I hadn't expected this. I lost track of where we were, while living here I had stuck to certain rooms. I wasn't able to see where we were going, but I remember going down stairs and hallways.

I tried to think back, think about Heero and how he was. I tried to think of anything that would say Heero would do something like this? He always preached about following your emotions, doing what your heart said. Maybe this was his emotions talking, not common sense. Heero was always against suicide.

We finally entered a cold room that felt big and mostly empty. I stood at the top of the stairs and moved my head, like I could actually see. I walked down the stairs, slowly, without Heero's help and walked directly towards Deathsythe Hell. My hand ran along its leg.

"Deathsythe… I missed you man…" I felt Heero come up behind me, but I didn't care. I went up into Deathsythe's cockpit and sat down, feeling the controls. I really had missed this. I felt complete, like a piece of me was finally returned. I wanted to be a Gundam Pilot again, things were simple, memories weren't as vivid. Deep down, I knew I enjoyed it. We lived day to day, not in memories or plans of the future.

"I want to do this in Deathsythe."

"Anything for you, Duo."

I felt Heero lean down to kiss me, and I accepted it. My mouth opened as his tongue entered, it was the most glorious kiss I had ever experienced. And I never felt another one after that.

It was my most favoured memory. But it was the only memory that never came back.

* * *

"Do you think he will ever wake up?"

"Well, Mr. Quatre, some patients do wake up from comas. But not always. Usually we give up after 6 months."

"No… We won't give up on him. We lost Heero to suicide, we aren't going to lose Duo to it. Keep him on the life support."

"Whatever you want, Mr. Quatre."


End file.
